5/28/15

another oldie  : )

A Lost Girl’s Guide to finding the Perfect Indian Man

Here is a state by state analysis:

Punjabis: stay away! These guys only want three things: honies, more honies and hennessy. Not your average fidelity man.

Rajasthanis: where do I even begin. These guys should be crowned princes and be adorned with naked dancing women and diamonds all day.

Kashmiris: these guys have something called a snarky attitude

Gujaratis: sweet but slightly cunning

Biharis: quite simple and dependable actually

Bengalis: your average nice guy but slightly self-absorbed, especially the artsy-fartsies

UP’s: a bit hokey dokey

Southies: GOLD. You’ve hit Gold. Go for a nice south Indian man. Sweet, attentive and humble. What more can you ask for.

9/3/12

Durga is my everything. She is the Shaktipat energy that guides and fulfills my life. She helps me shed my tears and cleanse my heart and helps me make the gold castle I work hard to build. Shiva is my Strength; without Him I have no Vision.

Durga/Shiva are beyond emotion; they together transform my every moment. I judge no moment as good or bad but only as a step on the journey towards even more Light. If I see darkness along the way, I sit with it with my attention on it until the darkness dissolves. Light dissolves everything that is not Light.

I carry within me Strength and Swords when I have to fight. If I tread on blades that threaten me on my journey, my feet hardly ever notice them.

~

9/1/12

Sat Nam ~
Stagnation is one of those places that the ego loves. I hate stagnation of the purposeful kind. The kind where one knows better, knows on some level that one should be more generous, more loving, more understanding, more giving, more intelligent than one is in that moment but chooses not to. Because what You essentially chose in that moment was the ego. Whenever you think you're avoiding pain you're really not. You are actually on the path to more pain. You are obsessed with yourself.

8/16/12

The only thing worth doing in life is wiping others' tears. The only thing worth doing is to sing songs of love, life and pain and healing. The only way to live is in a state of passion. The world's cruelty, society's mishaps, and lovers' hates are not worth thinking about for none of it is real. Send me someone who is crying and I will feel alive again. Send me tears so I can stay close to God and close to my Heart. Send me rain so the sun can shine the next day ~

8/1/12

Do you ever have those moments when there's so much energy coursing through your body that it arduously pulls and tugs at your emotions.....it feels so visceral....you feel like whimpering like a child (or you do) and you just wanna push people and throw a tantrum. You feel this pulling and squeezing and tightening and then an opening and a moment of relief and then it starts all over again. You go through a thousand of these cycles throughout the day and wonder when they're ever gonna end. You try and get away from the thoughts that are causing this (and the people in those thoughts) but you can't because if you don't it feels like you won't be on course. It's like you have to sit through it and wait for it to pass because you know that that's wiser even though it feels like UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. There are swords and fires and sparks and concrete bricks and soil and intense quandary coursing through your body. AAAHHHHHHHHH.

7/24/12

I'm sitting in the kids section again. The thought of sitting under the grey lights staring at a computer in the adult section was SO not inviting so I walked over to the kids computers. At least there's noise and colors and happiness here. The Jewish kids are very focused. Well all the kids are very focused. Anyhoo, I need more coffee.

Every human being needs something to look forward to. And it has to be something soulful and fulfilling and something that is positive and makes you happy. Like you shouldn't look forward to like killing someone that is not what I'm talking about (gotta always put in these side comments for the crazies, jeez louise, some people's children). So what I've decided is that I'm going to take a couple weeks "off" in December and I'm going to hibernate (which I LOVE doing) and drink lots of coffee and nap and basically read books all day. I just wanna read my heart out. I miss those summers when I was young where me and Preeti would sink our hearts into books so that we could complete our summer reading list at the children's program at the Murrysville library (if you didn't finish your list, you didn't get any stickers or prizes!!!!!! no!!!!!!!! so I HAD to finish my books). It was so fun and inspiring and those were some great happy days. So after working hard surviving, on my profession and on my health for many years now, I've decided to focus and fulfill my heart in a way that I've been longing for for a long time now. I need some titillation.

Feel free to join me for some snoogie this winter :].......

5/29/12

There comes a point in time where you don't feel the swords stabbing you anymore. You notice them less and less. You don't feel them sinking into you as deeply anymore and it doesn't hurt as bad. It's like they bounce off of you now. What once caused you severe pain, quandary and agony now is hardly noticeable. In fact, it feels more like relief; the swords give you relief now. Any remnants of what once was within you fall away with each stab. Nothing seems real anymore except the stillness. ~ Drunk on Life, Peace

5/13/12

I really don't understand how the human mind works (in modern times). It's very confusing and the one really annoying thing about dealing with it is that in society some people think you're a HUGE deal.....like I'm some sort of big deal....and obviously that's because some guys like me but whatever....they think 'oh she does this and that and so on so she's intimidating or something' (and I'm poor for God's sakes) but then other people think I'm a total piece of shit.......like I'm just an ant. You notice ants when they're in your way and you shoo them away and you don't give a crap about the ant's feelings/nature/dreams/existence, etc. I don't understand why the world works like this and I only get angrier and angrier. And angrier. So of course that means I'm stressed out and need my alone time and don't want to interact with all this anymore....putting up with this much nonsense is seriously becoming humanly impossible. The sound of the rain outside and the thought of it watering my plants at my place while I clean my parents' garage of all my papers and crap I've accumulated over the years (because my dad couldn't take it anymore and wants his garage back) and laugh with my sister over hilarious poems we wrote in second and third grade is sheer bliss. I don't understand why every day can't be like this.

I don't want to go to that party, I don't want to go to that event, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to make a five-year plan of what my life is supposed to look like, I don't want to be ambitious, I don't want to be so and so ....

5/11/12

I have finally figured out on this beautiful May (whatever date it is I don't know) Friday why I have gone through nearly seventeen years of suffering, hardship, turmoil, conflicts, depression, pain and low self-esteem. The epiphany hit me like a spaciousness that frees you. I knew it deep down all along but I think I'm in a place now where my mind and body can really handle it. I can truly accept the truth of what has happened....at 30 years of age. My freedom deepens as each day goes by.

So guess what it is. Guess why. Guess HOW I have become the Master of my Chariot, the Full Embodiment of my Pain and the Glorious Beauty and Shimmer of Masterful Transformation......guess why.

It's because of the hegemonies.

The hegemonies, the narcisstic institutions, the community psychobitches, the money mongrels and the greedy in all walks of life have caused me such pain and agony. They have set up systems and judgments where they make you feel less than human, less than perfect, stupid and worthless if you don't follow their rules and their ways. If you follow their ways of course, you're called 'responsible' and 'hard-working.' Which of course is a bunch of crap. The world continues to compensate and "reward" people who do absolutely no work and continues to punish those who work pain-stakingly for Truth, Intelligence, Art and Freedom. Today, I feel as though I may regain my self-esteem back. I may start enjoying what's out there in this world. But I will always enjoy it as a Flamenca....this is my True Nature and God's Truth....I will never become one of them, the false. I will never let anything define me except for my dancing feet.

So even though the hegemonies continue to steal my money, even though men continue to wound like narcissists and even though the daggers keep coming at me giving me no respite, I continue to live and create bonds with those people who truly dance and are real and I live for them and Me.

I may have had only twelve dollars in my pocket yesterday but that was enough to buy spaghetti sauce, ricotta cheese and mozzarella so that I could feed my fellow dancers and artists and musicians. We will not suffer for the stupid. We will celebrate our Friday evening with food and the guitar....the music that keeps me alive.

~ Fuck it, I'm Alive ~ Peace