Singledom

So I went to Rite Aid yesterday to pick up the new Curl Power XXL Maybelline mascara that came out as well as some Epsom salts for my lavender-salt baths in the evenings (my new goal in life is to become a fashionable granny). The moment I entered the store though, I came to a screeching halt because I saw what I had been dreading to see since the beginning of this year. I had been dreading to see the very existence of this heartwrenching aisle of the store which always carries at this time of year those oh-so-cute red and pink teddy bears who wave their furry, stubby little arms at you and those sugar-drenched Russell Stover chocolates packed ever so snuggly in those big heart-shaped boxes (really, why do they have to be so huge) and of course those thousands of popular little candy hearts that have those weird, cryptic messages stamped on them like “will you be mine” and “like me.”

Yes, I had finally come to this aisle. I had finally come across the 'oh-so dreaded Valentine’s Day torture cell for women (under five foot five) in Singledom.'

But you know what I thought? I thought why should I skip this aisle? Honestly, I can be mature about this. I’m just going to take a little stroll through it and see what kinds of items people are buying for their dear wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, pimps, pimpettes etc. these days. It would be more of an educational type of stroll, purely done for the sake of gaining retail knowledge as well as some consumer information.

But the moment I reached the halfway point of the aisle, I realized that taking this ‘educational stroll’ was a really bad idea. For God’s sakes, did you know they have ‘Valentine Marshmallow Friends” that consist of miniature frog and bunny marshmallow figurines that wear snazzy tuxedos, tutus and teeny top hats? They also wave at you! I wanted to take those chewy little friends and smash them over the cashier’s head. I mean really why is this necessary?!

I’m being punished.

I knew I shouldn’t have poured maple syrup in my mom’s shoes on April Fool’s Day twenty years ago. What possessed me to squirt globs of Heinz ketchup on me and my sister to make it look like we had been brutally stabbed by the time my mother came home? What kind of twisted little kids do that kind of thing? I have undoubtedly accrued a bit of screwy karma.

But I made up for it last year! I spent the whole of Valentine’s Day 2009 with my lovely parents. Yes. We watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button together at Loews and then we went out for a nice Italian dinner where the rents treated me to some of the most awesomest pesto sauced, pine-nut sprinkled ravioli I’ve ever had. And that wasn’t even the extent of the entertainment program that evening. While we were enjoying our lovely cocktails, my sneaky mom and my charming man of a father were amorously eyeing each other with an air of affection and Indian ardor. Can you believe it? I mean not only did I have to watch the hundreds of other people around me canoodling but I had to watch my own rents through my own single eyes ‘getting it on.’ And you know what? I didn’t even look away. I was so entranced by the way they were enamored with each other that I kept ogling at them (as disturbing as it is to see your parents 'canoodling.')

Sigh.

I mean honestly, I have decent cooking skills (the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right?) Does no man want a taste of my delectable, hot-sauced, spice-ridden Mexican omelettes? I mean if you don’t want to go down south we can stay up north from where I offer Italian ones instead.

Maybe those fuzzy little friends are a good wake up call for me (I did end up buying a Whitman's box of dark chocolates out of which I told myself I could only have one but ended up eating six. I'm single and depressed, I'm allowed.)

So for all you coupletons out there making plans for this coming Valentine’s Day, I wish you all the happiness and fun you could possibly have. Make sure to stock yourself up with ridiculous amounts of food, chocolates and tender kisses to keep you warm and fuzzy all winter long. But if you don’t mind, please think of me for just one minute on that special day and blow me a silent kiss from where you’re at. I know that surely I'll receive it and that on some level, it'll be a great day for me also.

Now where's that box of chocolates..