....in passionate duende that riddles me to tears and ennui.... in this all-consuming, grief-ridden, unexplainable, undefinable, torturous, ecstatic, black funnel of eternal....

"Suck it up and shut the hell up." - Madea

My sentiments exactly.

I just came to a realization (for the 80th time really) this morning and that was that 'holy canoli, there is so much shit to do.' For real, there is so much Work/Art that has to be done that if I truly start to think about it, I will go effing bonkers (I can already feel the sighs coming). But thankfully, I am not one of those types who thinks too much - I just DO. Yes, I tend to fall into a pit of despair and depression and take too many naps, staying holed away in the pit of my bed, but I realized today that 'oh my god, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot afford to be depressed. I HAVE to BE MY PURPOSE ALL THE TIME. I HAVE to fulfill my Purpose NOW bloody!!

So much WORK to do......and so PROUD of it.

Peace ~

I seriously just now forced myself to come on this blog. Really. I'd rather be eating carrots with rabbits.

This is my contribution for today.

So last night I went out with a couple friends and got hit on by a nice guy. VERY muscular. He just kept going and going saying things like 'I'm a genie I can do anything for you. What do you want?' or something like that. He had quite a few things to offer but I wasn't interested. I'm kind of a Nani and was a tad uncomfortable with the whole thing. Anyway, the interesting thing is the conversation slowly moved from him hitting on me (like throwing rocks in a pond one after the other, jeez louise) to talking about Catholicism and how effed up it is that the priests damaged so many young children. Yes I kid you not. It turns intellectual/realistic real fast. That's what usually happens with me. It was kinda funny. He had a psychologist friend who knew all the psycho reasons why the priests have done this type of thing and he was explaining it to me. It was sad. But then he wanted my number and wanted to dance and I was like....ummmm....I gotta go check on my friend. She's drunk. We shared a bottle of champagne together. As usual.

What is it about Tazza D'Oro's coffee.... I was craving it all afternoon and tried to quench my craving with the coffee I have at home but it just didn't work. Somehow....well I forgot it was Friday. I thought it was Thursday and so I drove to the Carnegie Library in Oakland to check my email and realized that in fact it's Friday and the library closes at 5:30, not 8. So I drove back over to Tazza's and had my coffee (and am checking my email). See what I mean. You have to quench your craving. Cause if you don't, life somehow brings you back to it. You can't mess with your cravings....You must follow the Way, the Heart......You must follow God's Whisper.

I just love the fact that wherever I go people open up to me and start talking to me about their lives. I noticed people started doing this with me ever since I've been a teenager. Like even now, I'm sitting in Starbucks doing my work at the corner table and the lady sitting at the table in front of me randomly turned around and started talking to me. I did not formally invite this interaction it just happened. For the last twenty minutes, she's been talking to me about her love and sex life. She's even thrown in minute details about the men in her past which frankly I don't remember. But anyway, she continues. I think she needs someone to listen. She was supposed to meet this guy who originally asked her to meet here but then he changed his mind and didn't show up. Jerk. But she goes on. and on. and on.

I'm a good listener. I have some sort of 'invisible sign' like this lady said that attracts people who need someone to listen.

I attract quandary I think.

so here was a recent "face-off" between Rekha and Jaya from last year. before you see it, I just wanna say that I don't like the way Jaya looked at Rekha (then again, I understand that Jaya wouldn't be happy seeing Rekha knowing that Rekha had so openly affirmed her undying love for Amitabh only a couple years before during Simi Garewal's interview. but we know who all REALLY should've ended up together but I'm not going there again). Rekha is looking elegant. She has always held herself with such poise. It's interesting that they 'interacted' after all these years. I think Rekha has made peace with the whole situation (I would to if I had fallen for someone who couldn't get it up. I think the situation worked out better for Rekha).

the face-off

Courtney Love is still in love with Kurt Cobain. There's was an awesome love. I feel bad for Courtney. People are so cruel to her. I don't know why, she's brilliant and just keeps it real.

Anyway, in one of her latest interviews she was asked "Are you mad at him for killing himself?"

"Mad?" Courtney shouted. "Ya think?! If he came back right now I'd have to kill him, for what he did to us. I'd fucking kill him. I'd fuck him, and then I'd kill him."

: D

I absolutely love Jessica Parker. I mean I LOVE her. I love her work, her work ethic and how she lives her life and is able to keep it all together and be there for her family. After seeing 'I Don't Know How She Does It' with my girlfriend this weekend, I ended up liking her even more.

As much as I enjoyed it, I couldn't help feel a little stressed while watching Jessica form her endless to do lists on screen. My own mind started going....grab milk and yogurt, buy new wallet and clinique exfoliator, email Nick, upload flamenco pics on facebook, LAUNDRY, fix nails, need new slacks, get eyebrows done, buy garbage can, call (or should I say remind, good god) landlord re: toilet not working and a million other things not working/updated in new apartment, fax loan form, put car insurance in the car (did new bill come yet?), stop at Rite Aid for toiletries, call mom back, buy new flamenco wear for gigs, GET SAFETY PINS, LAUNDRY, call Grace back, call Preeti to see how she's doing and any updates, mail card to pregnant BFF, get shin splint brace, renew passport/Visa thingamajig, meet with John re: program, update the website (total BLAH), paperwork, school emails, get back to students & schedule tutoring this fall and honestly there are 100 other things that I don't even want to think about right now because I have to get back to work and my five minute reflection/break/etc is up. Oh also, LAUNDRY.

As I was getting my tea in the break room this morning, I wiped off all the carpet fuzz that was all over my pants. And then as I was making my tea, my tea bag fell in the garbage.

It's a fun filled life :) Good film :)

Patti Rap

I shoulda been a rapper. I got too much angst. Patti Rap

I don't think too much when it comes to what I want in a moment. Like when I wake up, I can feel the taste of the tea or coffee that I want on my tongue and I instantly know that that's the tea or coffee I want to drink for breakfast. My body just feels it. And then I instantly go to the kitchen (after brushing my teeth and washing my face with Aveda because I can't not have a clean Aveda face) and I make it. Some days, I want a House blend or SB Gold Coast or Tazo Awake tea or Assam or English Breakfast or Ginger Peach tea or whatever. There are so many teas and coffees to choose from and I LOVE tea & coffee so how could I possibly use my mind to choose what I want to drink for breakfast. I just go with my craving, my need; something beyond me tells me.

As usual, I'm sitting in the kids section of the Carnegie Library in Squirrel Hill. The computer wasn't working at first but the librarian fixed it. I felt a little self-conscious that she had to help an overweight Indian woman who is sitting in the midst of human beings less than four feet tall, but what else could I do. I thanked her for letting me sit in the kids section. I can't help myself, if I sit in the adult section, I might die from sheer boredom and numbness.

The Carnegie Library is quite an interesting place in the summer. The rules of quietude and silence no longer apply to everyone. There are two year olds walking as if in a march and screaming their heads off while others try and work. Of course to me, I love it. I love being interrupted by cute little human beings who are as adorable as it gets and somehow lighten your heart for a time. I also love being "interrupted" by this little girl across from me who is loud as ever and asking her brother tons of questions about something on his computer with such a cute, high-pitched, screeching voice. She's so cute. How could you not want to sit with the kids. How could you not want to be around Life all the time.

Oh yea and she just asked her brother how she can be a mommy. Her brother said she can't. She asked 'why not.' She is persisting....

Oh no!! now her brother farted!!!!

So yesterday was a horrible day. As rough phases go, you have good days and bad days. I have to say the supervisors at my store are pretty awesome. One told me yesterday 'Anjali, if I could give you a big basket of sunshine, I would.' That is the sweetest thing a man has ever said to me. Thank God he's gay.

But unfortunately this comment wasn't enough to help my insides. I had to deal with a really horrible, disrespectful, senile customer (can you believe she told me to shut up when I confirmed that I gave her the drink she ordered, deranged right?) and I lost it. I was told to take a couple days off and come back next week. Stress/angst seems to be my constant companion.

Anyway, after work yesterday, I called for a massage. I was in desperate need and get one every couple months. I went to her house and she gave me the nicest massage. The thing is I fell asleep during it and woke up an hour later feeling like I had only been lying there for five minutes. I think I need another one soon.

I slept and relaxed the whole day today. I'm...........healing.

I hope.

6/6/11 II

Oh how I PMS. I tell you, I am so utterly in BLAHLAND right now. After taking an Advil and balling my eyes out a few minutes ago, I'm back on this blog in reflection mode. There's Ben & Jerry's mint-oreo cookie ice cream waiting for me in the freezer. I think I'm going to sleep in a little tomorrow and be still, reflect, be in meditation mode for most of the day. I do not want to move a muscle. I also do not want to be anywhere near the opposite sex. Please stay away from me if you are male (which you probably already want to do since I'm such an angry bitch (yet somehow loveable)).

This is the fourth time I have the Jane Austen Club on in the background and I still can't pay attention.

It's exhausting being me -

Pistachio covered dark chocolate toffees from TJ's :]

A few months ago, I was at a close family friend's house for dinner and I got to spend time with some young teenagers. I like talking to the teenagers of this day and age. They just think a bit differently and are exposed to more complex relational dynamics (as well as a variety of technological gadgets) that I just like getting their perspective on life and the world and how it should be. So anyway, we all talked for some time about various life topics and then finally come to the one about young love. There was one young guy about fourteen years old there who was struggling with expressing how he felt about another fourteen year old girl in his class at school. He really liked her and wanted to hang out with her, but he was having trouble saying anything to her about how he felt. They were mild friends and he wanted to get closer to her; so we all started brainstorming ways he could overcome his fear and ask her out for some conversation time.

The moment this guy talked about his situation, a deep concern came over me. I couldn't help but hear my mind saying 'oh my god!!!! not another devdas!!! we have to help this guy!!!! we have to come up with some solutions on how he can save himself from a life of regret and disappointment if he doesn't say something to this girl!!!!! what should we do!!!!!!'

So I took what my mind said and tried to calmly yet excitedly come up with different things he could do. I suggested going to Panera because there was one near his school and they could walk there and have bagels with cream cheese after school and study. This would be a perfect study date. There was also a dance coming up and we suggested that within a group of friends, he casually ask her if she was going and if she'd be interested in going with him (again, asked casually). Anyway, it went on and on but he just wasn't coming around. He was being resistant. And the surprising thing is he knew exactly why so I asked why. Why can't he go up to her and talk to her.

And he said:

"Fear of Love. It's the fear of love."

This guy is enlightened.

All I have to say is thank God I work alongside three nice gay men at Starbucks....what the hell would we do without gay men.

if only they would cuddle with me...but I think it's too early to ask.

sigh....

May I just say that I make a mean latte. Also my supervisor told me my very first cappuccino was perfect. What can I say, I'm a pretty good barista (except my whipped cream application is a bit messy. I'm working on it).

The nice thing about being a Starbucks barista is that you don't have to think about or work with relationship dynamics at all (and you don't think about men either). All day you are completely focused on what a customer wants and how you're gonna make it. You're not performing, you're not analyzing, you're not problem solving, you're not going insane. Every single day, you walk in and look forward to making a nice French press and serving the best pumpkin spice lattes you can. I'm really enjoying having my mind focus on making tea and coffee (and not on conflict and gobbledygook).

And laughing and having a good time with really nice coworkers too.

have you had a pumpkin spice latte today?

So I got into a small accident a couple days ago (again). I was pretty pissed because it made me a little late for work. In any case, I could not have had an accident with a more immature, stupid and ignorant person in Pittsburgh (I'm not gonna sugarcoat his personality). I told him to hurry up and give me his information cause he was getting me late and he called me an "asshole." It's interesting. I've never been called an asshole before. The amazing thing is it had no effect on me at all. What pissed me off was the pitch at which he was yelling at me. Exactly what I need. A totally horrible looking, horribly dressed man with the emotional maturity of a two year old who didn't watch who he was backing up into in the parking lot. My back still slightly hurts.

Anyway, we had a bit of a spat. I decided not to keep quiet and I bitched. I mean I bitched. I called him an asshole, I said all sorts of things that I frankly don't regret saying and I actually felt better after it. I'm a mediator and a peacemaker but I'm also a human being. I'm a 28 year old woman who's trying to do her best given the cards that she was dealt and I wanna be a human too sometimes.


Thank you and have a nice day.