The View from the Ocean

..or the sailboat or the yacht or the canoe..I'm working on the title..and all the writing for that matter..

The other day we got some fortune cookies with our order of Chinese food. I love opening fortune cookies. I always take a second to make sure I pick the right one. I usually sense which one is calling to me and then I eagerly open it up to read my fortune. Then I put it in my wallet and save it.

Since we had gotten a whole bunch that night (more than we needed), I ended up opening a couple. Something was off that night. The first two fortunes I came across didn’t really resonate with me. But the next day I opened up a third one and something about the third one called to me. It said the following:

“You cannot discover new oceans unless you are willing to lose sight of the shore.”

It’s beautiful isn’t it. It’s what we’re always hearing. But it’s hard. It’s too hard for me. I couldn’t help but feel hurt and anxious and just downright stuck when I read this. But I know that this fortune wanted to come to me. It’s for me.

To lose sight of the shore, of the past, can be terrifying. To lose sight of the old beliefs, the old conditioning, the old story is downright nerve wracking. Who will I be? Where I will go now? What should I do? If I go towards the ocean, when will I see land again? Will I see mountains? How will I call for help if I need it? What if I fall into the water and die? What if...

What if I actually make it? What if I actually make it across the ocean and visit new lands? What if I learn about ocean and marine life? What if I learn to relax? What if I learn to go with the flow, the flow of the waves? What if I actually enjoy it, this ocean journey?

I noticed today that for a while now I don’t really wear makeup when I go out. There are a few strands of white hair in my hair. I used to snip them, but I don’t feel like snipping them anymore. I actually like the few strands of grey in my hair. I like looking raw, with no eyeliner no earrings, just a pair of yoga pants and a simple shirt doing my thing about my day (although sometimes I need the compact, a nice glow on your face can really boost your mood). I don’t feel like dressing up much. I just wanna be me. I just wanna be Anju, as clear as can be. I like it this way. I can’t help but think that people see me for me this way, for who I really am.

It's hard to leave the shore for the ocean. You think 'I can’t leave this shore even if it hurts to stay because that’s what I know. That’s where I built my house, my life, my belief system, I can’t just leave.' And the griefs and hurts of the past don’t leave you either, no matter how hard you try. But there comes a point where their grip slowly loosens and even though it hurts still when you think about it, the stabs feel less sharp. They start getting duller. You turn around and look at the ocean for a moment and think ‘God it’s so beautiful. It truly is. What would it be like to sail in the ocean day after day only to watch the sun rise every dawn and the sun set every evening. What would it be like to discover a new shoreline. What would it be like to build a new house there?

At the very least, you have to sit in your boat, gaze at the shoreline one last time and watch your old house turn to dust. You don’t know what life will be like in the ocean but you can’t watch the shore forever. I might as well gaze at the ashes of the past, the ashes of the shoreline as it burns away for some time. I might as well sit for a while and watch the dust sift away forever.

ye kyaa jagah hai dosto ye kaun saa dayaar hai
hadd-e-nigaah tak jahaa.N Gubaar hii Gubaar hai